Life Decisions

Good afternoon!

As a 19 year old at university, I am constantly pondering about what my next step will be after uni. Basically, since I was about 12 or 13, I kinda got into the 'behind the scenes' stuff of basically all films and TV Shows that I watched, I would watch the extras on DVD's, look up lots of information online about it all or just generally want to find out more about it, more specifically I would watch Doctor Who Confidential on BBC Three after an episode of Doctor Who had aired and the programme would show how everything was done. I've always said that Doctor Who is what got me interested in all of this. So basically, I kind of decided I wanted to get into that industry, TV and Film Production.

Fast forward a few years and after finishing my GCSE's I finally got to start studying my interest, I went to college and did a Media Production course and it was like the best thing I had ever done, I learnt so much and I wasn't disappointed, I loved it, I loved creating films and music videos and TV shows, and learning all the professional ways of doing these things. Also, it was impressive to people, I would love showing off what my most recent project was and I got positive feedback. In school, my confidence was low, I felt like the teachers thought I wouldn't really amount to much, but doing the generic academic route isn't for everyone, and I believe everyone has a strength that they can strive in, whatever that may be, I truly believe that your school grades don't determine your life, although they are your stepping stone into higher levels of education!

So basically, college was an absolute blast, I was proud of most of my projects and I was soo pleased I was finally doing something I felt like I could do and do well, my confidence was boosted now that I didn't feel so inadequate in my studies all the time and I had found something I really thought I could achieve in.

Fast forward 2 years of a positive fun filled college course, I went to university to study Film and TV Production, I'm now in my second year, but starting uni is where it all went downhill. For starters, our course seemed terribly unorganised, there was a lot of complaining among the students and for the most part we were all generally disappointed with the course and the running of the course. I was especially gutted as there were only two courses I liked the sound of out of all the universities in the country, I got declined from my first choice after an unsuccessful interview, so this university was my one and only choice, the course sounded great and I was so excited after how awesome college was.

Well, it didn't start off great, and I suddenly felt like a little fish in a big pond, as opposed to feeling like equals in college, I was now up against people who had really done extra curricular activity and who have really great creativity and imagination, something I've felt like I've never really had, and now, my passion has dwindled. I'm halfway through my second year of university and although so far the second year has been much more pleasant and successful than the first year was, I've suddenly flipped from years of being interested in this career to wanting to do something else entirely. Which honestly, is a bit of a difficult situation to be in, sometimes I still feel like I want to do something within TV and Film, and then someone comes along and is just amazing at what they do and I just feel like I'm not cut out for it anymore, and that really isn't me looking for like encouragement off people or wanting people to say like 'Oh don't be silly you're great you can do it!' Or whatever, I'm not looking for sympathy or feeling sorry for myself, I just honestly don't really feel cut out for that particular industry, I don't think I've got the drive for it. I mean, it's still an interest of mine, but I don't really want a career in it anymore, which I think is okay, I am only 19 after all, I'm sure there are many other people who have gone through lots and lots of different jobs or ideas or education and still not know what they want to do as a career.

But, as I'm halfway through this degree now, I'm obviously going to finish it, I still enjoy the course, and I still want to get a good grade at the end, a degree is still a degree at the end of the day even if I choose to pursue something else. I'm now just in the situation of trying to figure out what I want to do after uni and figure it out fast, which is scary, and the thing is, I do want a career, I really want to find a real interest and I want to work my way up in a job, I have a few ideas being thrown around in my head, but I just need to figure out how to get there, and I really hope I do. I don't want to just return to my home town and get a normal job and that be it for the rest of my life, I'm not saying that's a bad thing though, it's just not what I want.

I always said to myself I wanted to do well, even when I was still in primary school, I always said I wanted to do lots of higher education and get a good job and have a nice place to live etc, and now suddenly, I'm 19 years old and I'm halfway through university. I'm so close to having to actually take that big independent plunge into the real working world, and that's terrifying. Well, it was exciting when I had a career idea in mind, but now that I don't, it's terrifying and I feel like I'm running out of time!

So, hopefully, sometime soon, I find a career I want to pursue and hopefully I can figure out how to get there. For now, I'll keep plodding along at uni, and keep my fingers crossed for a good future!

This post is very long, apologies! If you've got this far, thank you so much for reading!

xx